all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces

it's been sixth months since the last time i wrote anything on this blog. i've been writing in my own private little journal as of late. i stopped blogging i think in the first place because i didn't want to leave stuff out that were important in my life at the time.

it's the middle of the school year. it's had some awesome ups and shitty downs, but i guess you just gotta keep going.

i felt kinda crappy today. mostly from having to go through an hour or so worth of track practice. we didn't really do anything, just ran, of all things. I forget who it was, but someone said i was having "male pms." that and something about it usually happening when guys are having girl troubles. she seriously could've been making that up, but the irony kinda hit me like some annoying bastard who won't stop tapping you on the shoulder to get your attention. seems like i can't quite let go of some ghosts.

having a study hall period, ive realized, sucks. if i stay in the classroom, im bored. however, we do get the choice to sign out and be bored in the library. i might start hanging out in the lunch room more often that period. what a badass, right?

i think i've grown up a lot over the past year. i've matured past most of the people i go to school with. no offense to some of you guys, but i mean, how old do you have to be to still get a kick out of making up funny ways to say "vagina," and throw food wrappers at random girls for attention. Also i'd like to mention that whoever pisses on the bathroom floor, you know who you are, take me aside one day and try to explain to me the joke behind stomping around in your own piss. i could make a list of all the stupid things people do for attention, but then some people may start to catch on and hate me for it. also i may start to realize i fall into a couple of my own categories, being the hypocrite i am sometimes.

if i may, id like to take something from the zero punctuation series thing ive been obsessed with and say that i can't really begrudge any of these guys, at this point, it's just what they do, it's like begrudging a dog for licking it's own balls.

im kinda worried about next year. cause most of the people i hang out with are leaving next year. i see them in like stage crew and track and stuff, and most of the time, its a pretty fun time. i dont really have that kind of group of friends in my grade.

oh well, it's not tomorrow, and that's all i should be thinking about for now. there's always hope, but you can't look too far ahead, otherwise you might miss what you're looking for. (i have a feeling ive said this a lot, either to myself, or to other people)

a moment of silence please for those who never get the chance

School's coming up. I have work to do. Math packet, summer reading. I just don't want to do it. I've been spending most of the week playing Bioshock. My dad's gonna start getting annoyed (if he isn't already) real soon.

I've gotten into reading some classic books. 1984, One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest, and some more Vonnegut. The kind of stuff I thought I'd only be reading in English class or something. It's really good stuff. I really like books like 1984 that talk about the future of the human race, but they bring it down to a human level of it. It's something scfi movies never entirely could do.

Soccer starts soon. I haven't done a lot of exercise, beyond the usual pull-ups/push-ups routine. Which I've done less and less over the past month. I was getting better last time we played. I'm going to feel like an idiot if i start fumbling around with the ball. And we're supposed to run Sheeps Lane this week too. 3 miles. I think my time last year was around 25 minutes. At that point it didn't really matter what time I had gotten, just as long as I was breathing and not suffering from the worst cramp of my life.

Don't ruin the chance that you got to find a new one

Wow, it's really been only a month. I feel so much different since then. I've been working from Mon-Thurs. It's kind of fun, but I'm mostly happy to be getting a paycheck. Within that month my 360 has broken and has to be repaired, I've gone tubing on a friend's boat, finished a couple of books and expanded on my music library. I think I might've gone from 700 to 800 songs in a week from the guster songs i got sent. And I'm actually still missing an album.

I just finished reading Salem's Lot by Stephen King. This guy is an amazing writer. My favorite quote out of that book was something like "The world is falling down around our ears and you're sticking at a few vampires."

I have found a new anthem for my life. Not that it replaces the old one (Better Place, Better Time). It is Dance Floor Anthem by Good Charlote. There aren't really any memorable lines to this song. But the way the beat and lyrics combine together kinda help deliver the message and attitude of defiance and resistance.

She’s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there’s more
than he gave she’s looking for

He calls her up
He’s trippin' on the phone now
He doesn’t want her out there
And alone now
He knows she’s movin' it
Knows she’s using it
Now he’s losing it
She don’t care

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don’t be afraid to get down
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love

He was always giving her attention
Working hard to buy the things she mentioned
He was dedicated
By most suckers hated
That girl was fine
But she didn’t appreciate him

She calls him up
She’s tripping on the phone now
He had to get up
And he ain’t comin' home now
He’s tryin' to forget her
That’s how we come with him
When he first met her
When they first got together
Everybody put up your hands
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
feel the beat now
If you got nothing left
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You got a reason to live
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don’t be afraid to get down
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love

To the beat (x3)
You got nothing to lose
Don’t be afraid to get down

We break up
It’s something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It’s okay, let it go
Get out there and find someone
It’s too late to be trippin' on the phone here
Get off the wire
You know everything is good here
Stop what you’re doin'
You don’t wanna ruin
The chance that you got to
find a new one

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
feel the beat now
If you got nothing left
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You got a reason to live
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don’t be afraid to get down
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Now you know what to do, so come on feelin' good

I've been doing some thinking about who I have for heroes. Pretty much no one. I don't really look up to anyone. I kind of just try to uphold my own morals and ideals. I'm not even trying to set an example for other people or anything. I don't really imagine myself being the hero that will save the world. Of course I always think about it. All the gratitude I'd get. I laugh at that stuff cause I'm so naive about it. Not to sound self-centered but the only person I look up to is myself. I know I can make the right choices (whether I do that is another matter). Not every hero is perfect after all.

Here I am, doing everything I can, holding on to what I have, pretending I'm a superman

Things feel better. I don't take them so seriously anymore. What happens, happens, and you can't always bring back what you thought made you happy. I don't feel serious anymore. I'm going to try to live day by day, taking it as it comes because worrying about the future and regretting the past has gotten me nowhere except deeper into my own private little hell.

I saw the Breakfast Club for the first time this morning. That was an amazing movie.

I shoveled straw on a beach today for fund raising for the relay for life. That's next month. The year went by really fast. It's hard to believe that it's really been 8 months since the beginning of the school year. I feel like I've grown a bit. Which is kind of ironic because "growing up" is supposed to involve maturing in some way. But it doesn't feel that way, it's more just a new way to look at life. I kind of feel like some things should not be taken as seriously as I used to take them, that I'm a teenager and I'm supposed to make mistakes, dislike my parents, question my faith, question society, myself, everything. None of it should be suppressed, none of myself.

I woke up one or two days ago realizing I still wasn't quite sure who I was. That I was kind of just fitting in with everyone else. Then at the concert John decided to point out to everyone my lace patterned shirt. I liked it. Still do. Doesn't make my gay or anything, in fact, I'm one of the straightest people I know. I've also taken my chest deformity less seriously. It's there and all, maybe looks weird, but whatever. Anyway, my point is, I'm going to embrace whatever the hell it is that makes me stand out, because that's really all I can think of to keep my individuality and not get lost in new friends, new groups, criticisms and hypocrisy.

I'm going to watch Smokin' Aces now. Peace.

there she goes again, and again, and again, and again...

I feel happy. It's weird. It's just, I don't know, things are looking better, I think. Things feel better. The weather's great, I have friends to appreciate the weather with me, and, um, I don't know, I just feel happy. I'm playing Fire Emblem again. I had previously stopped playing it because I got tired of getting the people I was controlling killed, not that they still don't get killed. I'm reading The Waste Lands, by Stephen King. Amazing book. I'm going to be playing football today down at the school field. That was the plan at least, there might be some little league baseball players down there. I hope we can play. It was really fun last time.

This post feels too short still. I uninstalled World and Warcraft from my computer. I had been playing it the night before 3 tests. I got 77 on the math, 72 on the english and 98 on spanish. That's why I'm not playing WoW anymore. I need to get my priorities in line and doing well in school is more important than getting to the next level and talking with people I don't even know. Now I'm a bit worried I'm addicted to Fire Emblem. I got an 88 on my latest math test. I was playing Fire Emblem the night before. I did study though too. I don't know what I did wrong yet, but I know I have to find a balance somehow between video games and school work. I just realized how much this sounds like an addiction. Jeez.

I'm in a band now. I'm supposed to be playing keyboard or trumpet. Probably mostly trumpet because I haven't played the keyboard since 2nd grade. We sound really good. Well, considering we haven't really worked out and keyboard parts and I haven't brough my trumpet to any practices, the 'we' in the last sentences refers to everyone else but me.

I have an outline to do. Who knew that someone could write a whole chapter on slavery? I didn't. And to be honest, I'm sick of it already.

New Shoes - Paolo Nutini

Woke up cold one tuesday, I'm looking tired and feeling quite sick, I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life, So i quickly opened the wardrobe, Pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean, Topped it off with a pair of old shoes, That were ripped around the seams, And i thought these shoes just don't suit me.

Hey, I put some new shoes on, And suddenly everything is right, I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling, It so inviting, Oh, short on money, But long on time, Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine, And i'm running late, And i dont need an excuse, 'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Woke up late one thursday, And i'm seeing stars as i'm rubbing my eyes, And i felt like there were two days missing, As i focused all the time, And i made my way to the kitchen, But i had to stop from the shock of what i found, A room full of all my friends dancing round and round, And i thought hello new shoes, Byebye them blues.

Take me wondering through these streets, Where bright lights and angels meet, Stone to stone they take me on, Im walking to the break of dawn.

Take me wondering through these streets

run, run, run, all you do is fucking run, but you can never run away from yourself

i've tried to shut everthing out. to stop remembering. to keep myself from remembering. to stop playing the same simulated arguements over and over in my head. having friends around helps. not always, cause there will always be one song we listen to that will bring me down to earth. i will always have regrets of what i could've done and should've done better. i think im starting to accept that there will always be words left unsaid, but that doesn't mean they don't haunt you, keep you from sleeping that great. i'm going to get over it. there's nothing else to do. i guess that's why friends make me feel better. they've already moved on, hell, they probably don't even know half of what i'm feeling.

i'm going to be going to my first real job tomorrow. i'm working for nick's dad as a so called "rodman." i have no idea what the means. it does include wearing boots, warm clothing, and to get up bright and early. so good night.